July 27, 2009

Jerkin (Dance)

There's a new type of dance coming out of Cali called "Jerkin."

Some people on the realraptalk forums don't seem to particularily like it. Here's what one poster had to say about it.

"This is a scene from a play im writing
plot is a guy from the east is visiting his fam in the west...the guy from the east is chillen on the porch when his cousin approaches him

WestcoastGuy:Whats good kid
EastCoastGuy:Chillen
WestCoastGuy:Watchu doin tonight?
EastCoastGuy:Nothing
WestCoastGuy:Well me and my niggas gone hit the streets and jerk away all night,you in?
EastCoastGuy:Nigga u gay
WestCoastGuy:Its not so bad,put these tight ass jeans on,you will feel good
EastCoastGuy:Naw my dick dont fit

and that was a quick scene from my play coming out this fall called "Different Mentalities"

getcha tickets!!!!"

Some people apparently aren't big fans of jerkin. Different mentalities from the different coasts. I guess when you're freezing you're not going to come up with crazy stuff like this.

July 04, 2009

We Gotta Go Back!

We have to go back! Where? Back to…the kitchen!
Back to the Kitchen

Released straight to DVD, so while you’re watching it on TV lying on your couch, she can watch it along with you while she’s cooking in the kitchen.
Several sequels to this blockbuster are already being planned.
Back to the Kitchen 2: Make a Sandwich

Have you ever been hungry, but didn’t have any ready food to eat? Tell her to make you a sandwich!
Back to the Kitchen 3: Return of the Bitchslap

Is she talking back? Give her a taste of the back of your hand. It’s important to keep your pimp hand strong.
Back to the Kitchen 4: No Headaches

Is she complaining of a headache? Sore gums? She doesn’t need a doctor, she just needs more time in the kitchen. She has no problems that the kitchen can’t fix.

April 26, 2009

So Bad It's Hillarious




Word to your mutha. Sometimes you're so bad it's funny. Look at Kelly laugh. She's laughing at the utter fail that is DJ Talent.

DJ Talent's performance is here. Warning: Reading the comments may induce fits of unstoppable laughter.

January 31, 2009

The Friendship Well

Everyone knows someone who spends a lot of time with a certain girl, but never really gets anywhere. Why? The answer is really simple really. They've put in a lot of time, but not enough. They haven't invested 100% mojo yet. Mojo is defined as a combination of the effort and will of the guy, and the happiness of the girl. Without 100% mojo investment,  there is no 100% maximum return. Of course, a good looking guy would have an easier time achieving that 100% mojo, but each person has their own 100% to reach, at which point they get the maximum satisfaction from the girl. 

However, due to the nature of the graph describing the relationship between the guy and girl, there exists a point on the graph at which the derivative is zero. This is usually located around the center of the graph, informally called "The Friendship Well." There has just been enough mojo invested by the guy to frustrate him,   with almost no return, causing satisfaction to plummet. Guys that have invest around the "friend point" (The F Point, or FP) usually are very dissatisfied with their relationship. 

A graph of [Mojo Invested] vs [Satisfaction] in percentages is depicted here. 

Graph 1
%Mojo vs %Satisfaction

As can be seen, the area of the "friendship well" can be fairly large, easily comprising the 25th to 75th percentiles of Mojo Invested.

This point is very dangerous, as it is very well known through laboratory testing that the "friend point" is in fact an irregular essential point. A function describing the relationship between a guy and a girl, once reaching the "friend point," is known to be extremely difficult to leave the "friendship well", and must always return to the "friendship point."

The graph below is of [Time since friendship point] vs [Distance from friend point]

Graph 2
%Time after FP vs Distance away from FP (in percentage points)

As is evident, no matter how hard a guy can try to struggle out of the embrace of the friendship well, the moment he reaches the friendship point, there is no way of escape.

The reason for this is simple. Suppose that in the first graph.we position a ball at the beginning of the graph, at the top of the slope, at Mojo = 0. If the the ball is sent rolling down the slope, and fails to make it up the other slope, onto the "point of gratification," it must fall back, and eventually rest on the "friend point." From there, due to the nature of momentum, a very large outside force must be applied in order to push the ball over the other slope and onto the point of gratification (The G point, or GP).

The final result is, if the ball does not reach the point of gratifaction in time, it will fall back onto the friend point, at which it takes a large outside force to ever hope of giving it the momentum to reach the point of gratifaction, and will usually end in the ball forever languishing in the Well of Friendship.

So what outside force can a guy depend on to get the ball moving again? The only experimentally confirmed method with statistical significance is the "Naked Man" method. Tested to be effective two out of every three times guaranteed, it involves being invited to the place of the girl,, and taking off all of ones clothes when the girl leaves the room. When the girl comes back, either there is enough momentum to instantly push the ball to the point of gratification, or the ball will fall short, and roll backward and away from the G point.

So far the Naked Man has been the only proven way to have a chance of escaping the dreaded friend point. Of course, further research and analysis must be conducted.

December 19, 2008

What happens if you throw a cat?

So today, I picked up a cat and cradled it, because you know, cats are pretty cute. And cuteness is something I've found that I really miss.

So I cradle it, and after a while it becomes bored and tries to get down. Now usually I let go, but today I wanted to see what would happen if I just refused to let go of it.

I hold onto it tightly and adjust to counter the cat's movements. It gets really angry, and bares its teeth, claws around etc, so I decided to finally let it go before it actually scratched me or something, since then I would have to eat it (my religion says so).

Since it seemed to really want to get down, I just dropped it from my arms, at about four feet high. I was pretty surprised to see how quickly it was able to change directions and land on his feet, especially considering that it had started the journey with its feet in the air, clawing around like one of those little babies I used to steal candy from.


Now this got me to thinking.

First though, I remember a story a physics professor once told me.

He mentioned that as scientists, it was our duty to test things, and back up theories with evidence. Now, everyone has heard how cats always land feet first, no matter what. So one day when he was in college, he and his friends decided to try it. They took a cat up a tall building and dropped it back first onto the ground. He never mentioned what happened to the cat.

Now this story, and my personal anecdote started me thinking about how cats would react in different situations. There has to be some way that gravity is affecting a cats physiology, ensuring that it always lands feet down. Now, what happens if someone took a cat up in space, to zero gravity, or more specifically, microgravity?

I bet the cat would just spin around rapidly, like a top or a spinning battle, permanently trying to get its feet towards the ground. Another favorite idea of mine is that the cat would just explode without gravity, since its physiology is so tuned towards the direction of the gravitational force, that without it its body would become out of control and combust. That would be cool to see.

One the same thought, what happens if you throw a cat in space? Like pick it up and just throw it as hard as you can somewhere in microgravity. Would it still align itself towards the surface?

Another thought. What if you threw a cat really hard towards the ceiling on Earth? Would it hit its head? What if you put a cat in one of those water tubes at the theme park.

What if you took at cat and stuck it on the ceiling? What would it do? Would it try to twist its neck around when it realized it couldn't move its paws? Would it look like that character from The Exorcist with its head turned around? That would be really cool.


I'm sure that there's a lot of other fun experiments you could do with cats. I urge you to try them, and tell me what happens.

September 17, 2008

One Day At The Bar

Hi, are you free tonight? Or is it going to cost me? Oh, of course a pretty lady like you isn’t going to be free. Let me at least buy you a drink. Of course, if you want I can just give you the money and we can head to my place.

No wait, don’t go yet. I just have to tell you how intriguing you are. I mean, you’re pretty ugly, but you intrigue me. Wait, I’m sorry if I offended you. Let me drink a beer or four and then I’ll look at you again.

Wait a second, are you leaving already? I haven’t even finished my beers yet! Alright look, if you have to leave, at least let me give you a ride home. If you want to just go home that’s fine with me, but at least let me make it up to you for offending you. Trust me, you’ll like my ride. All the other hookers I’ve picked up have loved it too.

Huh? No I wasn’t calling you a hoe. I said lookers. All the other lookers I’ve picked up have loved it too. I swear I said lookers. Okay maybe I said hookers. But it doesn’t change the fact that with my beer vision I think you’re a very attractive woman! I mean, I can see a few places where you could use losing a few pounds, and your boobs are sagging a little, but still. You certainly look better than Amy Whinehouse!

Wait, what are you doing? You even look better than Star Jones! Wait! Star Jones after she lost weight! I swear! Halle Berry? I don’t know. I think I’ll need a few more beers before you’re at that level. Ouch. Okay, maybe you’re already at Halle Berry’s level. Yes, you certainly are. I took one look at you and I thought “grrrrr.”

You’re “grrrrreat!” I mean, if Tony the Tiger had a daughter, she would be you. What a tigress. I’ve never been this physical with a woman outside of the bedroom before. Wait, what’s wrong with Tony the Tiger? Frosted flakes are grrrrreat! I look forward to waking up to them as much as I look forward to waking up to you. Hey don’t do that! Look, tigers are good things. I think of myself as a tiger too! I can certainly mate like one. Alright, I'm sorry. It's just that you smell so nice.

*Sniffs*. Yup, that’s the smell of a bitch in heat. Wow. Hey look. Stop. Stop. No need for violence. Hey wait. Stop! You can’t take my keys! Wait, that’s my car. Hey! That’s my car! Give me back my car! Stop! No! I just wanted to sleep with you!

September 16, 2008

That Bully

There was this little boy at my elementary school named David. He was a year older than the rest of us, and was also a year bigger. Back then, a year bigger made a large difference.

David wasn’t the smartest in the class, but he was certainly the biggest and the loudest. His parents were very rich and influential, so there wasn’t much that anyone could do about it.

One day during recess, I showed everyone a jade pendant that I told everyone had been given to me by my grandmother, who died when I was four. I told them that my parents had decided that I was finally old enough to hold onto it. I was very possessive about it, and refused to let anyone touch it or closely inspect it.

Towards the end of recess, I cast a furtive look around and smugly slipped away from everyone in order to play with my pendant.

Unfortunately, David saw me, and followed me to where I stood near the school, underneath a window.

“Hey, what’s that you got there? Let me see,” he sneered and held out his hand.

“No, I can’t,” I protested. “It’s very important to me.”

“Aw. Don’t be such a stuck up. You should share with everyone,” he said, and snatched it from my hands. I stumbled and crashed into the wall behind me.

“Hey, what’s wrong with this thing? It’s broken,” David exclaimed.

My face was shocked. I immediately snatched back the broken pieces. “H-how, how could you?” I sputtered. “Why would you break it? It got it from my grandmother,” I cried.

David put up his hands. “Hey, it’s not my fault. I got it like that. If you would have shared in the beginning this wouldn’t have happened. It’s your own fault.”

I cried, not heeding his words. “Why? Why?” I repeated. “I would have given it to you. I would have done anything to keep it safe,” I sobbed.

The window above me opened. The principal stuck her head out and glared at David sternly. “What is going on here?” she asked. She looked at me crying underneath her window, and her eyes narrowed.

“I’m going to have a talk with the both of you. Come to my office now,” she commanded.

We both went into her office, and sat down in front of her. “Now, won’t you tell me what’s wrong?” she asked gently.

I gave a frightened look at David. I rubbed my head lightly where I had hit it against the wall.

The principal glared at David. “It’s okay. I don’t need to hear it. I’ve already heard enough. You will be interested to know David that the incident which just happened occurred right under my window. I heard everything,” she told him sternly.

She turned back to me. “Are you feeling okay?” she asked. “Why don’t you show me what broke."

I gave a frightened nod, and a tear ran down my face. I showed her what was left of the jade pendant. “My grandmother gave it to me,” I whispered.

Her face softened. “Why don’t you go down to the nurse’s office? I’ll tell her to make you some hot chocolate.”

I nodded and left.

I later heard from the teachers gossiping that David’s parents had been called to the school, and the principal had told them that David had pushed a fellow student against the wall and left a large bruise on his head; she also told them that David had broken a precious family keepsake.

David’s parents had immediately called their lawyer. The lawyer had called my parents and offered to pay for my medical bills along with my school tuition if they wouldn’t sue and agreed to keep it quiet. The lawyer then reached a similar agreement with the school. Little David was transferred to another school. I was treated extra nicely by all the teachers.

After I got home from the hospital, I got a call from my grandmother. “Expect a nice present in the mail soon dear,” she told me. My grandmother loved to send me gifts.

After I took the call, I went and threw the broken pieces of the pendant in the trash.

“What’s that?” My father asked.

“Oh it’s nothing.” I replied. “Just something I got in Chinatown. It broke when I was playing with it.”