July 29, 2010

Hilarious Yet Terrible Lies Told by Parents

Some of the funniest lies told by parents, as collected from Reddit.
When the ice cream van had its jingle playing he has no ice cream left. =(
When I was a kid my parents had a picture on the fridge of their young selves, pre-marriage, holding a chimpanzee. One day when I asked why there was a monkey in the picture, they said, "Don't you remember? That's you!" Obviously when I showed them my own face in a mirror they said, "Well yeah we had you shaved because you were scaring people. You were born a monkey." I guess technically this is a harmless lie but it was kind of devastating for a four year old.
My mom once ran over a squirrel in front of our house coming home from work one day. As a five year old, I was devastated by the fact that she hadn't completely killed it, and that it was laying in our yard all twitchy and half-mangled. So I convinced her to put it in a cardboard box in the backseat of the car, and drive it to a local vet clinic.
The vet came out, talked to my mom, who then came over and told us that they had saved the squirrel and were going to let him back into the wild the next morning.
It was only about two years ago, when I was retelling the story of the squirrel to a friend, that my mom looked at me and said, "That squirrel died, you know."
That if I didn't go to bed when my parents wanted me to, I would turn into a stone donkey in the real world, and be banished to Pinocchio's Pleasure Island, where I would never be able to return to my family again.
They would touch the tops of my ears, and with a horrid look on their face, desperately plea with me to go to bed because, "OH! It's starting! You have to go to bed...NOW! QUICKLY!"
When we would see the concrete lawn ornaments of donkeys, I was told, "See Son, there is a little boy that didn't go to bed when his parents told them to, and he'll never get to see them again."
My mom told me once that President Reagan cancelled my birthday. It's no shock that I don't speak to her anymore or that I lean towards libertarian.
my mom told me that she found me in a garbage can and felt sorry for me so took me home. sounds terrible, but it's like the asian version of the stork story.
When I was misbehaving my parents would threaten to take me back to the rest stop where they found me.
When my dad was a kid, my grandfather told him Saturday/Sunday morning cartoons were silent. At night, after my dad went to bed, my grandfather would turn the volume all the way down on their TV. My dad watched silent cartoons for years before he finally realized he was being duped.
Every time we passed a Toys R' Us I was told it was closed. Even if it was 4pm on a Saturday and the parking lot was full.
from many years back: my mom hates Mosquitos, they tormented her. in the summer she would storm the halls at night with a rolled up magazine hunting them. quietly on the side my father would tell my brother and I that Mosquitos didn't exist. he had us thinking mom was crazy for a few years
That my mom and dad were a witch and a warlock, and were each several centuries old. When they decided to have kids, they went out into a swamp and found a frog and a salamander and transformed them into a little boy (me) and a little girl (my younger sister). They kept this story going for YEARS, referencing it constantly. I figured out it was BS pretty early on (but not before telling some kids at school all about it), but my sister did not, and I used to make it worse by teasing her until she cried. I can still picture her with tears running down her face, saying over and over "I was NOT a salamander!"
I was told "gullible" was a made-up word and wasn't in the dictionary. I never bothered to check it...
I asked my Dad why he drank whiskey. He said it was to help him grow whiskers. I looked at his magnificent moustache and the coarse stubble on his face and determined, then and there, that I would drink whiskey whin I grew up.
A friend of mine was telling us about her kid's hamster dying, and how they'd told him it had gone to a farm. People started sharing their stories along those lines, how it was always "gone to a farm". The friend's husband was laughing along with us, then suddenly stopped and said "Oh my god." He'd only just realised, thirty years later, that his childhood dog hadn't actually gone to a farm.
When my cousins were young, they saw my uncle watching an old black & white film. The they asked him why there was no colour in the film. He explained that the film was made before colour was invented. Not colour TVs, colour itself. He convinced them that the whole world, that life itself, used to be in black & white up until someone invented colour in the 50s. They believed it well into their teens.
Growing up, I was told stories about the Black Beast living in the woods outside our house. My mom went so far as to buy a pair of cast iron claw decoartions and hide them in the bushes. I don't think I went outside until I was in middle school.
I had several teachers (when I was in grades 1-5) call my parents telling them I talked too much which was causing problems distracting other students and interrupting class. A complaint from a 5th grade teacher was the last straw for my mom. She made me watch the movie “Oliver” and told me that boarding schools are just like the orphanages Oliver attended. If I wasn’t quiet in school, with the next complaint she received I would immediately be sent to boarding school. I never said a word again in class unless asked and was known as "the quiet girl" from that point forward... Until I went to Uni.
That my Father was an alien... my mom showed me his Alien Registration Card (Green Card)... I was afraid of him for a few weeks
There was a Walmart jail that they threw children in. My mother even asked a couple of employees to tell me to behave or they'd throw me in it.
While eating Chinese takeout one night my dad convinced me (I was like 10) that water chestnuts were prized underwater vegetables guarded by venomous sea snakes and that harvesting them took many divers' lives every year. I think I believed this for a year.
When my children's hamster died, they wanted me to get it cremated. I had no idea if this was even possible so I asked my friend to save her and her husbands' cigarette ashes for a few days. They gave me the ashes in a baggie (about a hamster worth) and I bought a little wooden box at the dollar store, my friend wrote the hamster's name on in nice calligraphy. I brought it home and told my kids that I had just picked it up at the vet. That was about 5 years ago, my five kids were aged 2-10 years old. To this day the box is on a bookshelf and they believe it to be their hamster's remains.
My older brother would take me out to shoot birds with his pellet gun. I was devastated until he told me that they come back to life if i throw them in the river. I threw them all in the river.
My nephews are both horrified because my parents told them that their belly buttons are scars from where an Indian shot them.
My parents told my brother and I that they had a daughter and son before us, but my parents ate them because they were bad.
Every night, before going to bed, my dad would ask me if I'd brushed my teeth and washed my face. Some of the time I'd lie and say I had, but not always. I guess he knew when I was lying, because he hadn't heard the tap or whatever. He'd then say that he could see a black cross forming on my forehead. He'd trace it out on his own forehead to make his point more dramatic. It was a creepy world back then.
My dad told my brother that when he grew up his penis would fall off. He apparently got concerned when it didn't.
When I was little my uncle used to take me to play Pinball frequently at a Bar & Grill by his house. Regularly he would go up to the jukebox and put on some tunes for us. One of them, I was told, was a song written by "his friends" for me, because I was so good at Pinball. I fully believed him for an embarrassingly long portion of my life, until I got a little older and did some research. It was Pinball Wizard by The Who. =(

July 28, 2010

How To Treat A College Girl Right

Sometimes, things don't work out with a girl, and guys wonder where they go wrong. They don't realize that the reason things didn't work out is because they didn't treat her right. The only way to show a girl that you’re the right guy for her is by giving her the respect and attention she deserves. Here’s a list of several things guys should be doing, and if they're not, what they should think of doing:

  1. Cook with her.

Cooperate with her in a domestic task to make something you can both enjoy. Show her that you respect her as an individual, and value her as an equal partner. When she finally realizes her boyfriend doesn’t value her the way you do, she’ll dump him for you, who’s always been there for her. It’ll feel so right.

  1. Work on homework together.

Sure, you might’ve already taken Ma1a, but that shouldn’t stop you. She wants someone she can lean on. You need to become her pillar of support. This also shows that you’re captivated by her personality.

  1. Let her do your laundry

If you’re not captivated by the purifying scent of detergent, the soft feeling of freshly laundered clothing, and the warm hum of the washing machine, you must not be a woman. Letting her do your laundry shows that you understand her desires and needs; that you don’t just think of yourself.

  1. Give her alcohol

Everyone feels sad sometime. When that happens, a girl may be looking for a drink. Be there for them. Offer them all the alcohol they want. The more they drink, the more they’ll realize how good you are for them. Let her know that you have all the liquid she needs.

  1. The Naked Man

In the comfortable atmosphere of her own room, give her a surprising gift. Not the keys to a fancy car or a diamond ring. It’s a man, sitting on her couch, completely naked. Resting self assured, with his arms open and welcoming, his confidence telling her, “I’m here, ready for you, whenever you need me.”

July 26, 2010

Types of Late Night People in the Library

  1. Sexiled Roommate

You can find this person spread out on one of the couches, trying to catch some z’s while his roommate is hopefully not catching something else. He would usually crash on someone else’s couch, but a fellow sexilee beat him to it. The only other comfortable couch in his house is the one his roommate is using, but not sleeping on.

  1. The Procrastinator

This person has his work spread out all around him, but he’s been distracted by Youtube clips and reading Cracked.com. He would’ve worked on his stuff earlier, but he refused to stop playing FIFA 2010 until he beat his friend. He’s got eight hours until the homework’s due, so he’s fine.

  1. The Loner

Everyone else worked together and finished this set in half the time that he’ll end up spending on it. Whether he just likes working by himself, or simply hates other people, you can find this person poring over his work, trying to find out why his integration is wrong, not realizing he turned one of the negative constants into a positive.

  1. Nocturnal Owl

This guy once had a normal sleep schedule. When he was in high school, he was in class by 7:30 in the morning. Now, dinner is his breakfast, and breakfast is his late supper before going to bed.  His skin is pale white, as he hasn’t seen the sun since he was dropped off by Supershuttle at the beginning of the term.

  1. The Premed

A fixture of the library, you can find this person on the third floor on every weekday night. Caution is needed when approaching him, as he is apt to take off his belt while standing in front of you. He also enjoys romantic candlelight dinners and long walks by the beach. 

July 23, 2010

Type of Students in Class

  1. The Corrector
They may only be a freshman, and the Professor may have over twenty papers and tenure, but that doesn’t stop this student from correcting the Professor over small mistakes, even those of no significance. He feels that the fact he’s read a slightly different definition in a textbook gives him the right to argue over the definition of a concept with the Prof. In the beginning, the Prof will try to be encouraging, but in the end he’ll finally snap and tell the student, “You’re wrong. Shut up,” to loud applause from everyone else.

  1. The Laptop
While supposedly typing notes, this student is more likely to be playing flash games or be on Facebook. Yeah, he might not be in his room, but that shouldn’t prevent him from doing what he does when he’s in his room right? This guy used to bring a  pillow to class, but decided that a laptop might be more inconspicuous, and cause the Prof to think he’s working really hard at taking notes when he’s pounding the keyboard.

  1. The Sleeper
This is a very common type of student, especially in morning classes. He climbed out of his warm cozy bed in order to go to class. The moment he got to class he promptly fell asleep again. He might try to hide it from the Professor, resting his head on one hand as if he’s thinking, but it’s obvious to everyone and the Professor he’s sleeping since he’s snoring like an elephant.

  1. The Talker
Hey look, a bunch of friends are sitting next to each other! Great, now please shut up. They think they’re being discreet and soft spoken, but everyone in the entire room can hear them gossiping. Everyone glares at them, trying to mentally set them on fire. Sometimes the Talker will just be a lonely guy trying his hardest to make use of the time when he has a girl captive in her seat. In that case, everyone in the room feels too awkward to look in his direction.

  1. The No Show
This is the most common type of student. This type of student used to be one of the other types, but evolved when they realized they weren’t paying attention in class anyways. They were doing the same thing in class they were doing back in their rooms, so they figured they might as well just stay in their rooms. They think it’s a great idea until exams come around and one of the questions references an “in class discussion.”

April 24, 2010

Rules Prefrosh Need To Follo

After my school's Prefrosh Weekend, I realized that just like there were rules for the students, there should be rules for Prefrosh to follow as well. Based on some personal experiences some friends and I had this Prefrosh Weekend, here are ten rules that should never be broken.

  1. Don’t watch porn on my computer and forget to delete the history.
  2. Don’t use my towel to shower, and then walk back wearing nothing but my towel.
  3. Don’t watch me while I’m sleeping.
  4. Don’t climb up into the loft and stare down at me.
  5. Don’t fall asleep in my bed when I’m drunk, so when I come back from drinking…
  6. Don’t hit on a girl that already has a guy, and tell her “that’s what I’m all about.”
  7. Don’t bring your own medicine for your glaucoma and use it in my room.
  8. Don’t come back to the room in the middle of the night to borrow my “pipe.”
  9. Don’t have a total of eight people use my toothpaste in one night.
  10. Don’t beat me in a rap battle in front of half the house.

April 20, 2010

DO’s and DON’Ts at College Parties

These aren’t strict rules, but more like guidelines. Feel free to break them if your friends convince you “dude, you should totally do that”


Be welcoming and outgoing, meeting and socializing with new people


Stand in a closed off group consisting solely of guys.


Have a good friend introduce you, put in a good word, and be ready to swoop in to save you at opportune times.


Have your drunken friends swear that you saved all of their lives by performing the Heimlich maneuver when they were all choking on the same chicken bone.


Break the ice with an interesting and entertaining comment or question.


Offer to play a guessing game, and then proceed to “guess” her name, house, major, birthday, and favorite band.


Hold an interesting and engaging conversation with her about topics you’re both interested in.


Serenade her with your original composition, telling her how she made you feel when you saw her picture on Donut for the first time.


Go on the dance floor, and get bucked and crazy as if you don’t have a care in the world.


Stand on the dance floor having awkward conversations.

February 11, 2010

Why I Didn't Do Those Midterm Problems

As I tried to explain to the graders, I couldn't give them the answers because then the aliens would get me. If that happened, then THEY would have won. You wouldn't want THEM to win would you?

Sadly, it seems as if my school doesn't care much about the safety of its students, or THE CAUSE.