Below is the tested and trusted method for “Cracking the Teenage Girl.”*
The Five Fundamental Theorems (FFT)
1. Despite what they say, teenage girls are not looking for someone to understand them. They want someone to control them and tell them what to do.
2. The more arrogant and self-confident you are, the more you’ll be able to be the guy mentioned in one. Remember, it’s not harassment if she enjoys it.
3. Physical and verbal reminders of the master/slave relationship is constantly needed to be able to fully follow steps one and two to perfection.
4. The more she acts as if she dislikes the treatment; the more she’s actually enjoying it.
5. Teenage girls have no self-pride. They are what you say they are.
Right at the beginning a firm master/slave relationship needs to be established with the girl immediately. It is usually achieved by personal attitude, by saying something along the lines of, “Hey, you’re almost as good-looking as I am. I might just let you go out with me.” This will attracts the girl’s attention causing the effect known as “love at first sight,” “a hot flash,” or “sexual obsession,” all of which share the same meaning.
The next step is to add in the punches. Phrases such as “Girl you the dumbest bitch I’ve ever seen” are usually a safe bet. The girl would become instantly ecstatic and aroused, even venturing to touch you, but don’t let her, not yet. When she replies to agree with you, nod your head like you’re not really listening; since she won’t be saying anything intelligent anyways and girls find that very attractive as well. It’s called foreplay.
A side effect however, is what professionals term Hard to Get Syndrome, or HGS. It usually involves the girl feigning shock and anger at the actions of the guy. It is believed to be a sort of mating test used to determine the validity of the opposite partner. A common occurrence is the phrase “You’re horrible I hate you”. However, this is commonly interpreted to mean “Wow I love this so much please don’t stop.”
In order to fulfill her desire for further domination one should take this opportunity to give her a quick slap. The suggested form used is the Wu Slap. Based on the Five Fundamental Theorem, the Wu Slap has become a standard practice in the Player’s handbook. Professional slapping involves the use of several techniques that distinguish it from normal slapping. Unlike other forms of slapping, the Wu Slap neither as light as the “girl slap” nor as heavy handed as the “bitch slap.” It is also unlike both in style, consisting of a quick flick of the wrist, mainly to establish master/slave positions. The Wu Slap also contains the use of dragging the fingernails across the face, producing a raking effect. Properly done, a Wu Slap can cause pain and humiliation in a teenage girl, producing a desirable effect that cancels out any HGS the girl might possibly have.
Upon reaching this point, cracking the girl is already almost finished. The final trial simply comprises of hearing her complain, scream, and/or cry about various events. Never pay attention. Paying attention is a sign of homosexuality and male impotency. Falling asleep is an often used technique. This would also be a good time to pull out a nine-millimeter and shoot someone for the increased dramatic effect, which is extremely useful. A different type of firearm would also work, but a nine is usually more gangster and better fitting for a player.
*Disclaimer: The author takes no responsibility for the repercussions that may happen to any idiot dumb enough to follow the above method.