July 23, 2008

Global English Words

Some words, no matter where you are in the world, are recognized by virtually everyone that doesn't think Buicks are stylish. Some of them, like "cool," are used everyday by people all over the globe. Of course, "cool" was actually coined by a British guy named Shakespeare, so it's not actually an American contribution to the world. So I started wondering about some American contributions to the global language, and I came up with the following list of words that have either erupted or I think will erupt soon.

1. Nigga

A nigga, in the United States, is defined by the Boondocks as an "ignorant mothafucka," doesn't matter what race. Even a white guy can be a nigga, and so can an Asian guy for that matter. Of course, another of its meanings might be used as a demeaning insult to African-Americans. However, due to it's ubiquitousness in hip hop culture, a uniquely American art, it's begun to take on the connotation of defining a person who is "cool."

When a rapper asks, "where my niggas at?" the common response isn't to reply, "not here, we all payed for our tickets. We're not ignorant motherfuckers at all respected sir. Only the finest gentlemen here." Instead, it's to scream out "YEAHHHH!" Now, disregarding the fact that it doesn't make sense to reply in the affirmative when a person is asking a question regarding the location of a certain object or person, this example goes to show the image of what "nigga" means in American culture.

Now, take some kid in Asia, watching videos on Youtube of people calling each other nigga, and people claiming to be the "realist nigga," what do you think that overeager and ignorant motherfucker is going to start saying? Shit man, niggas are cool! They got bling and Nikes and shit. I already got some fake gold necklace and bugged my parents into buying me some Nikes for my birthday, now all I gotta do is start calling people nigga and have my friends call me nigga and I'm gonna be as cool as that American guy in that video with all those hot girls.

Now, there's already some songs in Asia that feature the word nigga. And do you wanna guess how they use it? If you didn't get it right in one you have a right to call yourself by another word for ignorant motherfucker. I'm still waiting for the moment when I'm in Asia and some kid goes up to me and says "sup nigga, keep it fly my nizzle."

2. Shit

Start seeing a pattern here? Apparently the coolest thing to do in China right now is to curse in English. Specifically mispronounce shit in a heavily accented fashion that resembles "shyet." Young people love going to McDonald's with their niggas and eat some shit. Of course, they don't call it shit, instead I think it's called a McDonald's burger.

3. Pylons

Now this one might throw some of you guys off. "Pylons?" you ask. "What the hell is that shit, my nigga?" Well, if you have a need to ask that question, then it can only mean that you don't have enough of it. While many Americans, especially those who prefer Macs over PCs because Macs are more "user friendly" (another term for idiot proof), might not know what pylons are, I guarantee that most Koreans will know what pylons are. In fact, if you tell a Korean girl that you can manage your pylons really well, you'd have doubled your chances of scoring with her. However, if a Korean girl ever asks you to show her how you manage your pylons, respectfully decline, since no foreigners could ever match up to a Korean's control of pylons. But if you ever hear the phrase "you have not enough pylons," then you need to start managing your pylons better, or you'll be screwed, and not in a good way. Either start showing off your guns, or build more pylons. Koreans are really good with pylons, and worship the pylon. Few people know that the South Korean flag is really just a birds eye view of a pylon.

Still don't know what a pylon is? Google it you lazy bitches. Well, I guess I'll toss you a freebie for actually reading this far, as a reward for having a longer attention span than the average American. A pylon is something you use in a game called Starcraft, which Korean guys have a hard on for, and Korean girls have their first sexual experience to. So go build those pylons.

That's all I can think of for now. I can probably think of some more but unfortunately my attention span only works in 20 minute stretches interrupted by 32 second increments during which time I think about swimsuits and cars and refinancing my loans. I've just reached the end of my time slot and about to go off into a totally different direction, so tune in next week when my guest is a man that popped out his eyeballs and put them back in.

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