September 17, 2008

One Day At The Bar

Hi, are you free tonight? Or is it going to cost me? Oh, of course a pretty lady like you isn’t going to be free. Let me at least buy you a drink. Of course, if you want I can just give you the money and we can head to my place.

No wait, don’t go yet. I just have to tell you how intriguing you are. I mean, you’re pretty ugly, but you intrigue me. Wait, I’m sorry if I offended you. Let me drink a beer or four and then I’ll look at you again.

Wait a second, are you leaving already? I haven’t even finished my beers yet! Alright look, if you have to leave, at least let me give you a ride home. If you want to just go home that’s fine with me, but at least let me make it up to you for offending you. Trust me, you’ll like my ride. All the other hookers I’ve picked up have loved it too.

Huh? No I wasn’t calling you a hoe. I said lookers. All the other lookers I’ve picked up have loved it too. I swear I said lookers. Okay maybe I said hookers. But it doesn’t change the fact that with my beer vision I think you’re a very attractive woman! I mean, I can see a few places where you could use losing a few pounds, and your boobs are sagging a little, but still. You certainly look better than Amy Whinehouse!

Wait, what are you doing? You even look better than Star Jones! Wait! Star Jones after she lost weight! I swear! Halle Berry? I don’t know. I think I’ll need a few more beers before you’re at that level. Ouch. Okay, maybe you’re already at Halle Berry’s level. Yes, you certainly are. I took one look at you and I thought “grrrrr.”

You’re “grrrrreat!” I mean, if Tony the Tiger had a daughter, she would be you. What a tigress. I’ve never been this physical with a woman outside of the bedroom before. Wait, what’s wrong with Tony the Tiger? Frosted flakes are grrrrreat! I look forward to waking up to them as much as I look forward to waking up to you. Hey don’t do that! Look, tigers are good things. I think of myself as a tiger too! I can certainly mate like one. Alright, I'm sorry. It's just that you smell so nice.

*Sniffs*. Yup, that’s the smell of a bitch in heat. Wow. Hey look. Stop. Stop. No need for violence. Hey wait. Stop! You can’t take my keys! Wait, that’s my car. Hey! That’s my car! Give me back my car! Stop! No! I just wanted to sleep with you!

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