December 21, 2005

We're Going Sub-Zero Tolerance for Violence!

Several years ago, we had a Semi-Tolerance (SEMIT) policy against violence. Now, in an effort “to get tough” on violence the school has instituted a strict a No-Tolerance (NOT) policy for fighting among all of the extremely happy (read meth induced) students (A Sub-Zero Tolerance is also being considered). Our wonderful elementary school education spent playing Pokemon trading cards has prepared us well for the most assuredly rare situations where some of our wonderful students might mistakenly put their hands on each other (“keep your hands to yourselves!”) because of misunderstandings. In that situation, we should make an attempt to reason with the other child, as they are simply being insecure. Otherwise we can simply walk away with our heads held up high. There is simply no excuse for fighting.

We can easily call a teacher to help assist in the slight mistake in comprehension. In order to help the students, a little bell is tied around every student. All a student must do is simply ring the pretty bell with a red ribbon and a fairy god teacher will miraculously appear and with a single “mooooo” straighten everything out (it is pronounced with the emphasis on the “oooo”, similar to the sound in “mooooove… get out the way”, which is commonly heard in the hallways). We will shake each other’s hands and promise to be good from then on. Of course, now that we are big kids (why else would we get the Big Kids meal at Burger King?) us boys and girls must learn to work things out among ourselves. We should ask the misunderstood person opposite us “why are you punching me” and politely ask them to “please stop”. If they rudely refuse we should then turn around and walk away, as our spines are better known for taking repeated blows than our heads. All the other children will be impressed by the way we nobly stood up for ourselves, and will forever admire us.

However, if you are being naughty and fight back (how dare you, you bad, bad boy) you will certainly be righteously punished for your own good. Your attacker whom you unjustly attacked will receive a complimentary 10 day outdoor vacation, while you will receive a permanent mark on your record, lower grades in class, and a certain huge spanking from your parents (it will of course hurt them more than it hurts you; wear a iron pan on your bottom when you get home). Of course, the worst of all might be the fact that now all the grown ups will call you “that naughty boy”. But don’t worry. The school has implanted tiny micro sensors inside our I.D.s just like in those big hospitals that mommy takes you to when your tummy hurts. However, instead of being used for opening those big doors, our special I.D.s will tell the nearest grown up in case of trouble, so we won’t have misunderstandings anymore. Why else would the administration make us wear them? There has to be some reason for the I.D.s after all. Just ask the fairy god teachers! Isn’t everything perfect?

1 comment:

  1. Everything IS perfect! Soon those IDs can be implanted in your skin leaving both hands free to better implore the brute pounding your face that there are much more peaceable ways of exercising disagreements of opinion.